she is. and so is she. but i’m not.

i had a weird dream two nights ago.

in my dream, i was with two of my oldest friends. let’s just call them x and y. so, in my dream, x and y were both heavily pregnant. x and i went to visit y in her house and her tummy was HUGE! then we left y’s place. i sat on a bench somewhere and talked with y while x went into some building to do whatever.

as i sat there talking to y and looking at x, i felt kinda left out. two of my oldest, closest friends were going to be mummy and i wasn’t.

then i woke up. and i remember thinking, ‘why am i not pregnant?’

what the heck kinda dream was that???

it got me thinking though. when i actually give the whole baby thing a serious thought, will it be because i really want to have a baby or will it be because the majority of my friends are doing it? or because my parents desperately want grandkids? or because everybody keep asking and i just want them to shut them up? or because i’m turning 30 in a couple of years and it’s ‘time’? or because we’ve been married long enough? or because i don’t want to feel different? or because i want to belong to the ‘mummy’ club? or because my lovely husband thinks i’m so gorgeous he wants a little version of me? or because ‘that’s what married people do’?

i used to love babies. i went ‘ooooh, so cuuuuuute’ when i saw babies. strangers’ babies on the street. pictures of babies on magazines. babies on tv. i loved, loved, loved them.

then one day, i got sick of them. i’m not quite sure why. maybe i just grew up and realised babies = reponsibilities.

truth be told, i’m not sure i’m ready for all those responsibilities. i’m not sure i’m stable enough to be a mummy. i think my head is still all over the place and i want to sort things out before making such big decision.

maybe i’m just making excuses. maybe, underneath it all, i’m just selfish.

why why why is being a grown up so difficult??? 

ps. yes, i did write ‘mummy’, not ‘mommy’. i don’t speak american.

pps. cm, in case you read this, i know this is getting kinda personal but i just need to get it out 😉 hope it’s ok.

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11 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. the writer
    Aug 11, 2008 @ 13:17:52

    I’ll be 30 this year and have been together with my boyfriend for around 4 years. He wants desperately to have a baby, I don’t.

    Like you said, having a baby is a huge responsibility, and I am nowhere ready for that. Maybe later, maybe never will. But I won’t let the reason of having a baby comes from pressure outside, no matter how often my mom singing a song in my ear about how she misses a grandchild.

    So, don’t worry about it. Lots of women out there have the same feeling like you and me. It’s you and you alone who gets to say the final word in such an important decision like this

    Reply

  2. mira
    Aug 11, 2008 @ 14:53:44

    oh you are so me (in a way).
    but for me it’s not a ‘maybe’ but I AM definitely selfish

    lucky for me, my mother doesn’t/will never push me about having babies, it’s up to me whether i want one or none. and my elder sis is now 4 months pregnant, so she can give her grandkid(s) haha

    back to the ‘i am definitely selfish’ part, i really wanna travel all over the world and not tied down anywhere just because i have a baby.. i wanna go out till late at nite as and when i feel like it..
    etc. etc. too many reasons not to have and no reason to have. i’m still trying to figure out really.

    Reply

  3. 1980chandra
    Aug 12, 2008 @ 08:26:51

    t w – absolutely the ultimate decision is mine but sometimes i feels like a weirdo for not wanting it when it seems like 90 per cent of people my age does. it’s the adult version of peer pressure, i tell you…
    i go through phases. sometimes i go, maybe i do want to do it, the rest i feel strongly that i’m not ready. i guess that alone is enough indication that i’m not 100 per cent ready. and when it comes to something as life changing as having a baby, you have to be very, very sure.

    m – my sis is still in uni. i wish she would hurry up and get marry already to take the pressure of me hehehe. i’m evil.
    i know. can you imagine having to arrange someone to look after the baby whenever you want to go out and do adult things? and it has to be trusted people. and for us who don’t live in indo and have an army of helpers, that’s kinda hard.
    people look at children as blesing, they ‘complete’ their lives. we look at them as ‘burden’. we’re sooooo not ready.

    thanks, you two. good to know there are people who feels the same way as i do. i don’t feel too much of a freak anymore 🙂

    Reply

  4. the writer
    Aug 12, 2008 @ 12:06:18

    you should have read my post titled “another baby gaga” and seen my cousin’s friendster comments. She just got married last February and she’s way younger than me (and you) yet the comments section are filled with “kapan punya baby” “cepetan hamil” “udah isi belon”

    as if a married woman worth nothing if she doesn’t have a baby in her lap.

    Reply

  5. 1980chandra
    Aug 13, 2008 @ 01:31:32

    it was like that after i got married and it went on for a couple of years. not anymore though. i think they got bored 🙂
    soalnya kl di indo, people get married to have babies. so if you don’t do that, it’s like you’ve failed.

    Reply

  6. the writer
    Aug 13, 2008 @ 09:17:59

    I know that people in Indonesia are married to have babies, but won’t they want to enjoy the “honeymoon” phase first? I mean considering most of them didn’t live together before they got married and you know the rest *coughs*. A friend of mine just got married and she was pregnant a week after the wedding night *whistles*

    I guess some people do have different priorities. Some would rather cuddle in bed and some think it’s fun to hear baby’s piercing hungry scream in the middle of the night LOL

    Reply

  7. 1980chandra
    Aug 13, 2008 @ 20:50:13

    that’s what comes to mind when my friends, one by one, tell me that they plan to get pregnant during their honeymoon. and i agree with you, what about enjoying just being the two of you for a while. plus, living together isn’t easy, lots of adjusments to make. 10 years of dating isn’t the same with living together.

    true hey, for some people, having babies is the most important thing. i’m not going to judge because who am i to do that, all i’m saying is that i don’t understand their way of thinking. oh well, to each his/her own, i guess.

    btw, can i link you here?

    Reply

  8. unique4868
    Aug 13, 2008 @ 21:53:42

    im only 23 and i certainly do not want kids yet because i guess i am selfish… and im still young and theres so much to look forward to that having a baby would stop (or atleast halt for awhile). i think your thoughts are completely normal & honestly…. this isnt the 1950’s- women are waiting alot longer these days to have children.

    Reply

  9. the writer
    Aug 13, 2008 @ 22:04:42

    yeah, it’s definitely up to each couple, but I don’t understand them either (but then again, I am the girl who doesn’t want to have a baby anyway, so maybe that’s the reason)

    @unique: I don’t think that defines us as selfish. It’s perfectly normal for you not to want a baby when you’re still 23 (like you said, you’re still young and all) It’s a matter of priority – maybe the priority will change as we get older

    Sure, you can link me. Can I do the same with your blog?

    Reply

  10. the writer
    Aug 13, 2008 @ 22:05:02

    oops. the last sentence is for the owner of the blog 😀

    Reply

  11. 1980chandra
    Aug 14, 2008 @ 16:08:53

    u – oh gosh… early 20’s is such a fun period. wish i could go back.
    and kid(s), no matter how much help you have around you or how much of a superwoman you are, is going to slow you down.

    t w – i know people who started thinking about having babies in high school!!! you know the type whose goals are to be married by 21 and kids by 23 (or whatever number). but again, not going to judge, just having difficulties in understanding them. i’m sure they look at us and think we’re a bunch of freaks for not longing for kids 🙄
    sure, you can link me to your blog. i’ve linked you here.

    Reply

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